Grace Is All There Is
by Shanti Harkness
Audio Version of This Blog Post
As I began looking back through past course notes and journal entries, it became clear to me that I need a reminder about the power and protective quality of Grace. That Grace comes from a perfected spiritual leader, such as Kedarji, in a long lineage of Siddha Gurus.
Two months ago, I became quite ill, complete with high body temperature, body aches, sensitivity to light and sounds, and congestion, among other things. I was absolutely miserable. As a way to protect me, Kedarji instructed me to get a pulse oximeter and begin monitoring my oxygen levels while I was sick. Several days later, the pulse oximeter arrived in the mail, and I began monitoring my blood oxygen levels as instructed… and boy was I surprised!
A normal, healthy adult should never have a blood oxygen reading below 95%, but mine was consistently in the low 90s, and dropping with physical exertion – for several weeks after my initial infection! If it weren’t for the pulse oximeter readings, I never would have known how low my blood oxygen levels really were; I would have just attributed the shortness of breath to the extreme fatigue that I had felt since getting sick.
One Sunday morning last month, I checked my blood oxygen levels and was shocked to see it register at 70% before slowly climbing to the mid-80s, and then slowly settling in at the low 90s. Despite feeling fine aside from a little shortness of breath, I decided to get ready for work.
Before getting in the shower, I decided to give myself a quick haircut. I had the scissors right next to my neck cutting a piece of hair. Just as I leaned over to drop the cut hair into the waste basket, everything started to go dark. My first instinct was to want to stand back up straight, but that’s when I distinctly heard a voice say, “No, go down.” So, I went down, everything went black, and I lost consciousness.
One of the great sages of our Lineage has said, “Like a round-trip ticket, death comes with birth, birth comes with death. Who knows how much time you have left? O, dear one, why are you not more conscious? Just as you are moving now, irrevocably toward death, many other souls have traveled that same road. Although you have seen others die unsatisfied, there is no transformation in your own life, even though you are being swept away by the river of illusion. You regard yourself as quite clever, you offer help to others yet you yourself are totally helpless. Could anything be more astonishing than this? O dear soul, are you awake or are you asleep?”
When I regained consciousness, I was completely hysterical and began crying and nearly hyperventilating. I knew that there were so many things that could have gone so much worse… had I not listened to that voice and stood up, I could have fallen backwards and slammed my head or neck on the bathtub behind me; I could have gouged my head on the sharp corner of my bathroom vanity to my left; I could have cracked my head on the toilet in front of me; and I could have fallen forward and impaled my neck with the scissors I was still holding.
My life, my existence here could have ended with that loss of consciousness. I’m convinced that it would have. And what transformation has taken place in my own life? How vigilantly have I performed my Sadhana? How well have I followed all my Guru’s instructions and commands? How often have I imbibed Grace rather than sabotaging it? While endeavoring not to judge myself, there is much room for improvement.
I’m convinced that my life could have ended that day – that’s why I heard that voice… Shakti. Yes, Shakti. The creative aspect of God, the Shiva-Shakti Power. I’ve heard it before, many years ago, telling me to “Go inside” following a suicide attempt where I momentarily experienced the Bliss of the Self, and desperately wanted to experience it again.
Twelve years later, I would cross paths with Kedarji and be given that same instruction, to “Go inside.”
Kedarji has shared with me that it was my intense desire to know God that spared my life during those tumultuous times. My Guru’s Grace was at work before I even met him, and my Guru’s Grace continues to watch over me today. God has no choice but to watch over those who seek Him.
I’ve been facing a lot of different health challenges lately, and have taken refuge in my Mantra, repeating it as often as I can remember. Unfortunately, when I lost consciousness in my bathroom, I did not reach for my mantra, and so I was overcome by emotions, fear, and panic. I immediately tried calling Kedarji, and when I couldn’t get through, I called one of my Sangham sisters.
When she answered, I was hysterical and crying, barely able to form coherent words or sentences. She calmed me down by instructing me in a practice that Kedarji often reminds us of – to perform our 3-step dharana: take 3 deep breaths, recall the form of Kedarji into your mind, and repeat your mantra. Kedarji tells us that if we take refuge in the Guru’s Shakti, that we will be uplifted; that the Guru is always watching over us, and that this is how we’re cared for when we remember to take refuge in the Guru. The more we nurture the Shakti, the more the Shakti will take care of us.
As I did this, the emotional rollercoaster I was on quickly came to a stop and I was able to breathe and think clearly again. I was no longer in a panic, no longer enslaved to the notion of fear or my recent brush with death. I was able to more calmly speak with her and decided that I needed to make arrangements to get myself to the hospital.
It always amazes me how quickly my inner state shifts when I put my focus on Kedarji, on my Mantra, and being reminded of embracing the Highest Understandings – like the fact that all kriyas (movements of the Shakti) are beneficial and a blessing of the Guru’s Grace. For example, had this loss of consciousness not occurred, I may not have discovered several other health issues that also needed to be addressed.
Hearing Shakti speak to me again prompted me to go back through journals and look at other times that my Guru’s Grace has protected me. For example, there’s been at least half a dozen terrible car crashes that I’ve avoided being in by my Guru’s Grace and interventions; anaphylaxis from peanuts that was able to be stopped from progressing by offering it up inside, to my Guru, holding his form in my mind and repeating my Mantra; then there’s the numerous blood clots I had in both of my lungs – Grace prevented me from going camping in the woods alone as I had planned, and instead, was in town with family who was able to drive me to the hospital; then there was the incident of slicing my finger open after being discharged with the blood clots – I was home alone, on blood thinners and morphine – Grace saw to it that a friend was a mile down the road and was able to take me back to the hospital; having melanoma that went undiagnosed for 10+ years, when some forms can kill in a matter of weeks; and the concussion I sustained 4 ½ years ago, falling and slamming my chin into the metal arm of a chair – another inch lower and it would have crushed my windpipe and killed me. There are many other examples of this protective Grace that I can share.
This also reminds me of Kedarji’s utterance that, “For every step you take towards your Guru, your Guru has taken a thousand steps towards you.” I am reminded of the importance of taking refuge in my Guru, my Guru’s Grace and Love, and my Mantra – and to continue to do so in each and every moment. I need to be reminded of how much this Grace is at work in my life, to attribute everything to my Guru’s Grace and blessings (whether it appears to be “pleasurable” or “painful”), and to continue to take steps to imbibe this Grace rather than sabotaging it.
The Guru rescues us from suffering (by way of right understanding and the destruction of our karmas), anxiety, worry, doubt, fear and attachments, for there are no obstacles when it comes to Grace. The more we nurture the Shakti, the more the Grace of God and the Grace of the Guru protects us. After all, Grace is all there is.
Om Guru Om!
Shanti Harkness volunteers as the Secretary of The Bhakta School of Transformation. She sits on our Board of Directors and also volunteers as a certified staff teacher and program leader for Nityananda Shaktipat Yoga. She works in the marketing field.
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