Inner Accounting

Inner Accounting
by Deana Tareshawty

Sat Chit Ananda Guru Ki Jay

I recently started taking business and accounting classes online to follow an instruction I was given for my Sadhana.

When Kedarji first uttered this instruction to me, I was shocked. Why accounting and bookkeeping? It was so far out of my league. I am trained in the healing arts. Math is something that I am very averse to. When I look at numbers and math concepts, I seem to go blank inside. It’s like my intellectual ability freezes and I believe I am stupid when it comes to these things.

Because of this belief, I put off following this instruction out of a fear that I lacked intelligence.  I doubted myself.

And yet the thought continually welled up inside me to follow the instruction and see what happens.  Why would Kedarji tell me to consider this if I couldn’t do it?

The Power of Grace

In my years of being engaged in Nityananda Shaktipat Yoga, I have had the direct experience that when darshan such as this occurs, and instructions are given, it is a blessing of Grace. There is always a benefit and a deeper meaning. There is always something for me to learn and observe on the imminent and transcendental level.  My Guru knows what I need to let go of and how to best lead me in letting go through the Shaktipat Kriya Process.

Here in this instruction, my Guru’s kriya shakti was at work, exposing all the ways I conceal my true nature from myself through my mental conditioning and emotions.  On the mundane level, this instruction was a way for me to take responsibility for my existence here. It was to help me break my old karmic habits that lead me to pursue the comfort of living a cushy life, in a way that reinforces my dependence on and attachment to others.

Additionally, my Guru was asking me to imbibe independence and fearlessness. He was asking me to let go of the old beliefs and understandings I hold about myself that keep me from living in the indescribable joy of the Self. He was asking me to examine that the inner states of independence and fearlessness have a foundation in knowing that there is no outer world and God alone exists. For me to know this, I would have to have faith, trust and a willingness to let go of all that I am not.

Inner Bookkeeping 101

Bookkeeping is taking an account of how a business is doing financially. It is creating a snap shot through reports, such as assets, profit and loss, and the balance sheet, so that the business owner can look at the facts as presented in the reports and make decisions that will keep the business healthy. And, at times, these reports reflect that the business is not viable and the tough decision needs to be made to close its doors.

As I started my basic accounting class, I was immediately overwhelmed. This is basic? There were so many terms I didn’t know. I had to keep stopping the class recording to go look up definitions and piece together understandings before moving on with the lesson.

Then I got stuck in not understanding the double entry method. I became more and more discouraged. I reached for my mental conditioning that reenforced the beliefs and understandings within me that this was too hard and I didn’t have the capacity to learn this new skill. I said some very harsh things to myself. In the restlessness of my mind, it appeared that my inner bookkeeping reports all reflected this was not for me and I should quit. The mental chatter told me that I didn’t have any assets and the subsequent emotions that followed reinforced this assessment.

More Than A Test

One day while taking a test, I stared at the screen. I read and reread the questions. That familiar mental conditioning of going blank inside and reaching for my aversion to math welled up. I felt that I had no idea how to answer the questions. I looked over my notes, and took a deep breath. I looked at the photo I have of Kedarji on my desk, and performed my 3 step dharana.  I took the test.  When the results came back and I passed, I shed a few tears of joy. I was not stupid as the mental chatter would have me believe. I just needed a quiet mind and emotional equipoise to cut through the ego idea. I needed to have faith in myself and the process. I needed to be okay with getting answers wrong to see where I was really at and what I needed to study more. This is a new skill. Of course, I am not going to be an expert in bookkeeping overnight. I realized I was holding a lot of unreasonable expectations of myself.

From this experience, I started to observe that this was far more than a mundane bookkeeping class I appeared to be taking.  This caused me to contemplate my inner bookkeeping.  What reports did I look at to come to the conclusion that I am not capable? Was my current, inner  data true? Or was it based in the expressions of the ego idea and my mental conditioning? Could I have faith, trust and a willingness to let go of these now exposed tendencies that are not who I am, but part of a story I tell myself about who I think I am?

An Examination of the ARC and My Mental State

Kedarji shares with us that a yogi’s first responsibility is full responsibility.

I am responsible for how the Joy of the Self, the Spiritual Power, the energy substratum of everything, is expressed in my daily mundane existence, as in whether or not I have an improved mental state, emotional resilience, and vibrant health. I choose how to direct this power source, whether I think I am making a choice in how I direct it or not. So, in reviewing my profit and loss statement, it became clear to me that I was choosing to reach for and operate based on the restlessness of my mind. From this state, it is nearly impossible to experience joy. From this state, it was nearly impossible to reach for higher understandings and affirm that I am the Self.

I was reminded that, to advance in Sadhana, I need to quiet my restless mind, to improve my mental state, by way of contemplating and observing the 3 suppositions of the mind:

The mind loves the places it frequents the most.

You get what you meditate on.

You become what you obey.

I observed that I have been frequenting these places of thinking poorly of myself for so long that it becomes painful and even frightening for me to experience joy. I don’t know how to be present with joy and just be in joy. I have come to mediate on pain so much that I often discount my experiences of joy in favor of reaching for the mental conditioning of pain. It seems that I love being dragged back and forth on the emotional roller coaster brought on by a poor mental state.

Instead of attaining joy, I lose awareness by not applying the Arc and frequently reviewing the understandings I am holding to change this.

The principle of the Arc states:

Understandings always dictate feelings.

How you are vibrating from moment to moment is dictated by the feeling you experience in that moment.

What you are putting or superimposing into Consciousness immediately begins to attract to you the people, places and things that will reinforce that vibration.

I remembered that understandings arise from labels that are used when we call an object by its name to experience it in Consciousness. Labeling often leads to expectations, which creates more understandings.

Through my experience of taking the bookkeeping course, I discovered that I held so many understandings and expectations of myself. I realized that how I labeled myself and the understandings those labels held are a reason that I reach for my old comfortable mental conditioning. How others label me also has a direct impact on my inner state.

I had a breakthrough. I realized that no one ever directly said to me that I was stupid, unintelligent or not capable of anything.  What I was exposed to as a child through popular culture and the collective understandings had an impact on me. Growing up in this culture subtly shaped my understandings of the roles of men and women. I was raised with the understandings that I need to pass myself off as an object and need to be rescued or taken care of. I held a belief that women were supposed to be nurturing and this quality negated intelligence. I also was made to understand that it was hard for women to make a place for themselves in the male dominated workforce.

All of these things I was subtly exposed to shaped how I felt and feel about myself and my abilities. For most of my life, I meditated on these ideas.  As a result, I vibrated in a way that continually attracted the situations and circumstances to me that reinforced these ideas.

Accounting for My Assets

What I came to observe is that the only unintelligence I was engaging in was forgetting my true nature, that God alone exists, and that there is no outer world.

I have been placing far too much emphasis and attention on making something of myself in order to be liked, to fit in, and to have a purpose in life.

In this, I’ve placed myself in boxes to judge myself and be judged. This is the set up that allows me to continue to reach for unhappiness. It becomes difficult to carry all the expectations, labels and boxes, and to show up for others and myself in the way these things define me.

The purpose of my existence is to remove myself from these labels and boxes.

My greatest asset will always be the Self and knowing and merging in the Self. That is my purpose. Not a quest for mundane intelligence that only continues to conceal and build a web of worldlines.

From this experience I have realized how very important it is to consistently review my understandings by practicing the Arc and observing where my mind likes to go, so that I can lessen my desire to reach for old habits and understandings that keep me stuck in a contraction.

Sat Chit Ananda Guru Ki Jay

Deana Tareshawty performs her selfless service as Vice President of our public charity, The Bhakta School, in addition to serving as a program leader and harmonium player. She also serves on our Board of Directors. Additionally, she holds a Bachelor of Arts in Communications and a double minor in Biology and Chemistry. She is a certified Ecology of Well-Being practitioner and the owner of Inspired Wholeness. She is also a trained Reiki Master in Usui Reiki.